When we sit back and observe babies, we notice how tenacious they can be. They accept a certain degree of struggle when they play and don’t give up as quickly as adults might assume. This tenacity can diminish, however, when adults routinely move in to help at the first sign of struggle.
A young baby is lying on her tummy stretching to reach a play object that is just beyond her grasp. Because she’s not crawling yet, she can’t move toward the object. We might observe this baby and think to ourselves that she is struggling (woe for the baby!) or we can observe that she is trying to figure out how to reach the object – she is trying to problem-solve, just as a scientist would. As a results-oriented adult, it can be difficult to watch and not hand the object to the baby. After all, if she’s reaching for the object, isn’t the goal to actually grasp it? You might feel incredibly impatient and frustrated. But what if, for the baby, the joy of movement – of stretching and reaching toward the object, articulating her fingers and stretching her legs and toes – is just as important as actually reaching the object? If this baby has not had play objects routinely handed to her, she will accept that she can’t reach it and turn her attention to something else. She may gaze at other objects in the room or suck on her hands.
RIE® Founding Director Magda Gerber said, “There is dignity in struggle. It gives our soul muscle.” Although the dictionary definition of struggle is to “try to overcome a problem,” the word often has a negative connotation. For those of you who ache when seeing your baby struggle, how about reframing struggle as problem-solving? Looking at it in this way can make it easier not to interrupt and rescue your baby when problems – or challenges – arise during playtime. After all, many challenges take time to overcome and cannot be resolved quickly or easily; they require continued focus and experimentation. A young baby makes several attempts to “palm” a play object before she successfully picks it up and brings it to her mouth. A toddler is confounded by a set of nesting cups but with perseverance and practice, is eventually able to nest one inside the other with ease. Challenges can be intriguing and fun to figure out, and rewarding and satisfying when they are overcome. When we move in quickly to offer help – even with the most loving and best of intentions – we diminish our baby’s sense of competence and self-confidence.
When we see our babies as budding problem-solvers, it becomes much easier to sit back and wait to see what a baby can accomplish on her own when faced with a challenge. Give your baby your full attention and stay nearby for emotional support, but don’t rescue or problem-solve for her. Learning how to persevere in the face of a challenge is an important skill you can support your baby to develop by working on your own discomfort so that you can refrain from rescuing.
In the beginning, it can be excruciatingly difficult not to hand a play object to your baby or problem-solve for your toddler but when you are able to restrain yourself, you will support your child to develop her tenacity and problem-solving skills. She will put these skills to good use long beyond babyhood.