I got a call recently from the mother of two sons, one three years old and the other seven months. The mother said that the usually gentle three-year-old had “turned into a bully,” and had taken to hitting the baby, with his hands and with toys. When she and her partner got there fast enough, they were able to prevent the behavior from happening, they’d set limits by saying, “I won’t let you hit him,” and tried to reason with the toddler by telling him that he was hurting his baby brother. But their responses were making no impact and things were not improving.

We know that domestic violence has increased recently, as people have been forced to stay at home together during the pandemic. Likewise, it’s not surprising to see an increase in aggressive behavior among children. Research shows that when physical space is limited, aggression increases. Being stuck inside is like a pressure cooker that needs to let off steam.

What to do about it?

I suggested to the mother that getting outside can be an excellent way to help her toddler reset and recalibrate. Being outside is visually soothing because we can see a distance, as compared to the visual confinement that we feel indoors. It’s also physically relaxing because it provides opportunities for large motor movements like jumping and running, both of which need to be at least, somewhat, contained in the home. The mother remarked that they routinely spend time outdoors with their toddler every day and still, he’d been aggressive toward his brother.

So, where do we go from there?

I reminded the mother that toddlers act on their impulses and therefore, her son’s hitting is not driven by rational thought. He knows he’s not supposed to hit his brother, but he just can’t help himself.

I asked her to consider what her son must be feeling now that the family is confined to their home, and she quickly identified sadness and frustration. The boy is understandably sad about not being able to go to nursery school and not being able to play with his friends. He’s frustrated by having to spend so much time at home and by not having access to his parents like he was previously used to because they’re occupied with work and caring for his brother.

When she considered her son’s point of view, the mother realized that she and her partner had been so focused on stopping the hitting, that they’d forgotten to look more deeply to identify the underlying feelings that were causing it. They’d been trying to treat the symptom – the hitting – without understanding and addressing its cause. In a follow-up call, the mother reported that now that they understand the aggression for what it is – a manifestation of big feelings their son needs help with – they lead with empathy, acceptance and connection, to help ease his discomfort. The mother and her partner each schedule cozy one-on-one time with their son every day, usually when the younger child naps. Spending time to emotionally connect and refuel has not only helped their son, it’s helped them too.