Together, But Apart: Parenting in the Glow of a Cell Phone

Several years ago, I was enjoying a solo breakfast upstairs at the Fairway Café in New York City, quietly observing the people around me and imagining their life stories. Across the room, a father and his son—about 18 months old—caught my attention.

They sat opposite each other at a four-top by a huge window overlooking bustling Broadway. The father laid out a placemat in front of his son, preparing for their meal, then picked up his cell phone and disappeared into the digital rabbit hole, glancing up only every few minutes. Each time he did, his son leaned toward him, trying to connect—and each time, he failed.

When their food arrived, I felt hopeful they’d finally share a moment over yogurt and bagel with lox. But the father’s attention remained fixed on his phone, and they ate in silence: together, but very much apart.

After about 20 minutes, the mother arrived. Her son wiggled with delight at the sight of her, and I felt a renewed sense of hope. But after a few words to her husband and a brief smile for her son, she, too, pulled out her phone to make a call. The boy looked down at his yogurt with a blank stare.

In the five minutes it took me to pay my bill and leave, I saw neither parent say more than what looked like, “Have another bite,” to their son. At not yet two years old, he had already learned that when competing with a cell phone for attention, he was likely to lose.

So what can we do about cell phones and digital devices, especially when parents are juggling childcare and working from home, with long hours on laptops and phones?

If you can manage to use your devices out of sight of your children, that’s ideal. But if that’s not always possible, don’t feel guilty. Instead, focus on protecting caregiving activities.

Put devices away and out of sight during mealtimes, bath time, diapering, and dressing. Bring your attention fully to your child and to what you’re doing together. Look for moments of connection and shared enjoyment: catch your child’s glance, notice what captures their interest, have a little chat. Unlike the boy at the Fairway Café, your child will feel delight in your full attention. Protecting caregiving as sacred together time can be emotionally refueling for you both.