Helping Your Toddler Learn to Fall Asleep on Their Own
The mother of a two-year-old wrote:
"My son wants me to sit in his room until he falls asleep, before his nap and at nighttime. What can I do to change this habit?"
This was my reply:
When you feel emotionally ready to handle the inevitable upset that comes with learning new sleep habits, have a short conversation with your son earlier in the day. Tell him that tonight will be different by saying something like:
“After your bath tonight, I’m going to read you a story, help you into your crib, give you a kiss and then go in the living room (or whatever room is nearby). I'll come check on you after you're asleep."
This advance talk not only prepares your son but also reinforces the plan for you, helping to release any tension you may feel about making this change.
When a parent demonstrates confidence, it sends an important message: “You can do this. It’s going to be alright.”
That night, after the usual bedtime routine, follow through with the plan:
“You look sleepy. It’s time to get in your crib so you can have a lovely rest. I’ll come check on you after you’re asleep.”
Then slowly stand up, help him into his crib, give him a kiss, say goodnight, walk out of the room, and stand quietly just outside his door.
It’s likely your son will cry. Listen. If it’s protest crying, that’s okay—he’s letting you know he doesn’t like the change. Remember, you’re helping him replace an old habit with a new one. Just as adults feel discomfort and resistance when changing habits, so do children.
Keep listening. If his crying escalates, wait a few moments to slow yourself down, then go back in. Without taking him out of the crib, gently rest your hand on his back or chest and speak softly, with confidence, not pity:
“I’m sorry you’re upset. It’s time to rest now.”
Pause briefly, then leave the room again and listen by the door.
You may need to go back in several times, especially on the first night. But each time you respond calmly and confidently, you reassure your son that although you’re not in the room, you are close by and can always be counted on when he needs you.
Within a few nights, your son will learn that while he may want you nearby as he falls asleep, he doesn’t actually need you. (Wants and needs are very different, and it’s helpful to distinguish between the two.) Typically, the second night is easier, and soon your son will be able to let go and welcome sleep on his own.
Learning to fall asleep independently is a big accomplishment—one that builds self-confidence. When you’re ready, commit to the plan for several nights so your son has time to practice and succeed.
A couple of caveats:
Major life changes—such as a new sibling, a move, or a new bedroom—can unsettle young children. In these cases, stick with established routines and wait until your child has adjusted before introducing new ones.
Some children, especially older toddlers, may develop bedtime fears that last weeks or even months. When this happens, gentle adjustments can help ease them through the phase.
