Emotional Intelligence Begins in Infancy
Have you ever found yourself feeling sad or angry without knowing why—or when it began? Many people struggle with anxiety, depression, or conflict-avoidance. For some, strong feelings of anger, sadness, or frustration can feel overwhelming, and the instinct is to suppress or outrun them. But when we do, the emotions don’t disappear. Instead, we may overeat, drink too much, or sink further into sadness, anger, or depression. Sometimes these suppressed emotions even show up in our bodies, as back pain, ulcers, or insomnia.
How we learn to express emotions is shaped early on—by how our parents responded to us as children. When you cried or showed anger, were you met with empathy? Or were your feelings ignored, censored, or quickly shut down? Were some emotions acceptable while others were not? Perhaps you could express yourself for a short time, but then heard, “That’s enough!”
Daniel Goleman, in his book Emotional Intelligence, observes that “entire ranges of emotion can begin to be obliterated from the repertoire for intimate relations, especially if through childhood those feelings continue to be covertly or overtly discouraged.” His argument is clear: children need the freedom to express their emotions—without being shushed, pacified, or distracted away from them.
Patterns of emotional expression often pass from one generation to the next. A parent uncomfortable with their own feelings may become anxious when a baby cries or rush to stifle a toddler’s anger. Intellectually, most parents agree that babies sometimes need to cry and toddlers need to vent their frustration. Yet in practice, those strong emotions can stir discomfort in the parent—leading them to shut the child down as quickly as possible.
Even well-meaning parents often try to minimize their child’s sadness, frustration, or anger. A pacifier is the most obvious tool, but so is distracting with a toy, cheerfully cajoling, or saying, “You’re okay” when the child clearly isn’t.
When, instead, a parent responds with empathy and allows the child to fully express themselves, the child learns that their feelings are valid and understood. The parent can still offer comfort—through a gentle touch, soothing voice, or holding the child in their arms. The message becomes: “I hear you. I know you’re upset. I’m here. You can cry until you’re all done.” When emotions are allowed to run their natural course, everyone feels lighter, calmer, and unburdened.
I once observed a toddler at a nursery school who had just had a conflict with a friend. She stomped her foot, waved her arms, and declared loudly, “I’m angry!” The other child stopped, wide-eyed, just listening. When the toddler finished, she skipped off happily, free of the burden of unexpressed feelings. It was a vivid reminder that emotions have a beginning, middle, and end—when we allow them to be fully expressed.
