Crying Isn't the Problem—Silencing It Is

In the 1987 movie “Broadcast News,” Holly Hunter sat at her desk every afternoon to have a two-minute, shoulder-heaving cry. Then she was refreshed, renewed and ready to return to work as executive producer of an evening news show. Lucky for her, she could retreat to the privacy of her office where nobody interrupted her to incredulously ask why she was crying or to try to cheer her up. Crying made her feel better. It was a good thing.

It’s also a good thing for children to have a good cry when they need one.

However, some people mistakenly believe that a crying child will only feel better when they stop crying—and the sooner this happens, the better. But children cry to relieve stress. They may feel frustrated or sad. They may be picking up on their parent’s tension. When a child is not allowed to cry fully, until they're all done, some of their stress will remain and may surface later in the form of irritability, aggression or defiant behavior.

Crying helps children feel better.

Research shows that when an adult accepts a child’s crying, the upset ends more quickly than when the adult denies or tries to distract the child from their upset with comments like, “It’s okay. You don’t need to cry” or, “Here, look at this toy!” Attempts to stop the tears actually prolong the upset.

Even worse, when an adult fails to acknowledge what a child is feeling, the underlying message is, “I don’t accept the feelings you’re having. I want you to feel something different." Over time, this can be interpreted as, "I don't accept you."

Of course, acceptance isn't always easy, especially when you're feeling upset or overwhelmed yourself.

It’s an ongoing practice to accept your child’s big feelings—of fear, frustration, sadness, overwhelm, anxiety or anything else. But in those moments when you can respond from a place of acceptance, you will likely feel closer to your child. Riding the wave of their upset all the way to shore can be a balm, for both of you.

I think of acceptance as a yielding—a softening, a moving toward and together with your child. Denying or distracting, on the other hand, feels like hardening and resistance, placing you in opposition to your child.

If your child’s upset triggers you and you feel the urge to stop it, pause and take a few slow, deep breaths to calm yourself. When you’re ready, talking to your child may release your tension. “I’m sorry you’re so upset. Let’s sit here together until you feel better.”

As Pema Chodron reminds us, “The only way out… is through.”