Have you ever found yourself feeling sad or angry and unsure why or when it began? How many people are anxious, conflict-avoidant, or depressed? For some people, “big” feelings of anger, sadness, and frustration can be overwhelming and their first response is to try to squelch or outrun them. What happens when we do? We may eat too much, drink too much, or find ourselves sad, angry, or depressed. We may develop physical ailments like back problems, ulcers, or insomnia.

How we express our emotions and the ease with which we do so is largely determined by how we were responded to by our parents when we were young.  When you cried or expressed anger, did your parents respond empathetically, or did they ignore, censor, or try to distract you from your feelings? Were some feelings permissible and others not? Were you allowed to express yourself for a certain amount of time, but once the clock ran out, you’d hear some version of, “That’s enough!”?

As Daniel Goleman points out in his book, Emotional Intelligence “… entire ranges of emotion can begin to be obliterated from the repertoire for intimate relations, especially if through childhood those feelings continue to be covertly or overtly discouraged.” Goleman makes a sound argument for allowing our babies and toddlers to express their emotions freely, without plugging them with a pacifier or otherwise shushing them up.

Patterns of emotional expression are passed down from one generation to the next. Some parents become particularly anxious when their baby cries, while others quickly try to stifle their toddler’s anger. If we’re not comfortable expressing how we feel to others then how can we be comfortable with our babies and young children expressing their strong feelings? Intellectually, most parents agree that babies need to cry and toddlers sometimes need to express their anger, but these emotions may trigger an unsettling feeling deep within that causes a parent to try to shut down an emotion in their child as quickly as possible.

Many well-meaning and loving parents squelch their infants’ and toddlers’ “darker” emotions of sadness, frustration, and anger. The pacifier is the most obvious device, of course, but distracting a baby with a toy, telling him “you’re okay” when he’s clearly not, or cheerily trying to cajole him away from his feelings are also common.

When a parent responds empathetically to a baby and allows him to fully express how he feels, the baby learns that it is okay to feel what he’s feeling; he feels understood. He may need the parent’s support to calm, of course. This can be accomplished with a soothing voice, a gentle touch, and being held in a parent’s arms. When comfort is offered, the message conveyed to the baby is, “I hear you and I’m here for you. I know that you’re upset. You can cry until you’re all done”. When emotions are allowed to run their course, everyone can move on, feeling lighter and unburdened.

I observed a toddler at a nursery school who had just had an altercation with a friend. She stomped her foot and moved her arms up and down emphatically as she said loudly, “I’m angry!” She did this with such clarity. The other child stopped what she was doing, and listened – wide-eyed – as her friend roared.  When the toddler was done, she was done, and turned and moved off with a skip in her step. It was a joy to witness her freedom of expression. It was also a reminder that when emotions are allowed to be fully expressed, they have a beginning, a middle, and an end.